A Buzz Word For Kill

Brandon sat on his bed and thought about how he would kill his dad. He didn’t hate his dad much more than he hated his mom, but it was enough to sway him.
Brandon’s parents were separated and getting a divorce. With five years still to wait until he became a legal adult, Brandon’s future stretched ahead of him in a bleak straight line. He would be changing houses every other weekend. Both parents would vie for his attention and favor. One or both would remarry and maybe even provide him with half-brothers or half-sisters. Exhaustion at the thought of such a life overwhelmed Brandon. One of them would have to die.
Still fine-tuning a simple but practically guaranteed plan, Brandon rose from his bed and walked his desk where a large aquarium held his pet iguana, Ike. Brandon and his mother had bought Ike on Brandon’s twelfth birthday, with the agreement that he was a special pet for just the two of them.
Ike stared at Brandon from the aquarium, looking completely disinterested in everything beyond his four glass walls. Brandon wondered if Ike felt more emotions than he showed, or if Iguanas lived their whole lives bored and calm.
Brandon knew how he was going to do it.


When Brandon finally emerged from his bedroom, his father, Dale, was in the kitchen, sorting through mail. Dale worked construction and returned to his house each day very sore and very sweaty. Dinner and a bath, both featuring a beer or two, preceded any evening activity.
Brandon joined Dale in the kitchen and began his conversation in a heavy tone.
“Why is mom such a bitch?”
Brandon didn’t usually call his mother a bitch, and he knew his father knew this.
“I’m the one she’s pissed at, what’d she do to you?” Dale asked, throwing a handful of letters and newspapers on the nearest counter. Brandon knew that his dad would be curious about any tensions between Brandon and his mother.
“It’s Ike.” Brandon said, sighing heavily. “Mom called me after school today and told me how since Ike was our special pet he shouldn’t be at your house and I should leave him with her when I visit here.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Dale barely hid his happiness at the idea of his son and his soon to be ex-wife at odds. “She’s just doing this to get at me, you know. She probably wants you to hate me for splitting you up from him.”
“I know.” Brandon hid his satisfaction much better than Dale hid his happiness. “I don’t even care anymore, she can have the stupid lizard. I just wish she’d stop trying to make me hate you all the time.”
“She tries to make you hate me?”
“Are you kidding me? It’s always ‘your father this’ and ‘your father that’ like she was some perfect saint the whole time.” Brandon wanted his father to start talking about how it took two people to destroy a marriage.
“It takes two people to destroy a marriage, you know.” Dale was on repeat like a bad album. “Just because I was the one who stepped out physically doesn’t mean shit. She checked out emotionally a long time ago, and a man has needs.”
Brandon wondered how his dad would reconcile the idea of his mother crying herself to sleep each night with this “emotionally checked out” version.
“She just wants someone to blame besides herself, I bet.” Brandon only said this because he’d heard his dad say something very similar on the phone once.
“You’re right.” Said Dale. “Absolutely right.”
“I don’t want to play her stupid mind games.” Brandon declared. “We should just leave Ike on her doorstep tonight and drive away before calling to tell her!” Brandon made an effort to sound like he had only just invented this plan.
“Ha!” Dale laughed, thrilled that his son clearly preferred him. “That would turn her guilt trip back on her, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Brandon laughed as well, forcing it, but doing so convincingly. “We shouldn’t even call! We can leave a note on the cage. She’ll just get all annoying on the phone.”
“You know your mother too well kid.” Dale patted Brandon on the back.
Brandon knew his dad well enough to know that he would jump at the chance to help his son hurt his wife.
“How should it go?” Brandon asked?
“Um, just a second.” Dale said. Brandon waited while his dad left the kitchen and returned a few seconds later with a sheet of blank paper and a permanent marker. “What do you think?” Dale asked.
“Something short and sweet.” Brandon watched his dad scribble out a message. “Perfect… but we should make it a little meaner.” Dale grinned at his son and added a comma and one more word. “She can have the stupid lizard for all I care.” Brandon said picking up the paper to look it over.
Dale’s cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, looked at the display and said, “I gotta take this. Dinner when I’m done.”
Dale went outside through the front door, closing it behind him. Brandon watched his dad pace back and forth on the front lawn. He took the note to his bedroom and left it sitting on his bed until he would need it again.


Dale’s house had only one bathroom, but it was a spacious one. It was technically two rooms. A bathtub, shower and two sinks were in the main room, and within that larger room there was a smaller room exclusively for the toilet.
After dinner Dale promised Brandon that he would take a bath and then drive him over to drop off the Iguana and the note.
Dale left his dirty work clothes in a pile under the towel rack and climbed into the bath. Five minutes later Brandon knocked on the door.
“I’ve gotta pee.” Brandon said.
Dale sighed. “The door’s not locked.”
Brandon entered the bathroom, walking past his dad to the small toilet room, closing the door behind him.
Brandon found the extension cord and toaster where he had left them while his dad was talking on the phone in the front lawn. He pulled the yellow latex gloves from his pocket and put them on. He plugged the toaster into the cord and the cord into the wall. He pushed both handles down to start the toaster. He opened the door, walked out and dropped the toaster into the bathtub without looking at his dad’s face.
Brandon left the bathroom after dropping the toaster. He went to his bedroom, took the note from his bed and returned to the bathroom. He placed the note on the bathroom counter and left, locking and closing the door behind him.
Brandon returned to his room and dialed the number to his mother’s cell phone. While he listened to the ringing on the other end of the line he poked at Ike with his free hand and thought of the note he’d left in the bathroom.
“If you want him, you can have him, bitch.”